[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
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Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough