[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
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I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something