[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
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Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes