Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

Don’t snitch tag.

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

#Caturday

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it