Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory

#LunchPun #RateMyPun

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.