Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

Sure. Why not?

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?