cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
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@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.