Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills