Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
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Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”