Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.

Me: And the drawback?

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.