Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
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“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
the noise i just made
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Single and childfree like Jesus
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.