Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
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I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it