Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

Managing expectations

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

Not today, today.
Not today.

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.