Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
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My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
How actors in movies eat their food
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.