Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop