Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

$4 #usedbooks

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.