Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

this is the greatest thing ever

Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!

Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!

Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”