Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.

Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.

Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication