@amore_orless

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

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@DrCat_MD

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

@LoveNLunchmeat

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

@theshantilly

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

@AndyAsAdjective

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

@TuSoonShakur

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

@nbadag

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

@chrisdelia

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

@handsock_butts

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder