Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
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I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena