Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
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Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.