Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I grow up, I want to be 16

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

Employees must applaud the planets.

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.

Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*

Vampire: Thank you.

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.