Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

.. do you even science?

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

The legends speak of a third Duran…

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

Yes 😂

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.