*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
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I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.