*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
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Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked