Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

I wish I were this cool 😂

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

love it when they get my name right

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

Spring cleaning checklist…

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.