Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.