Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?

– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.