Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing