Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.