CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
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an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
accurate
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.