CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
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Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.