Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

Me: wow. Your room is a mess

4: you can clean it

Me: but you made the mess

4: I know you can do it

Me: I’d love some help

4: you’ve got this, Mama

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

*Emerging from a ten year coma*

Dad: Well look who finally got up

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now