Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin