Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

👽

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

Sex in the snow is wintercourse.