cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.