Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

me when i smell free food in the break room

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

…żyje?

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.