CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
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Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
They’re on their honeymoon
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.