Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

Human are so complicated

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.