Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions