Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”