I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
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I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*