Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.