Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*