Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

So Hamburger help me, God

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂