Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

me in a relationship:

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.