CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
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#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Hello Twits.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.