*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
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I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
It’s a good thing earthquakes don’t happen in Texas lmao mfers would be outside shooting the ground
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table