@GrumpyBahr

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

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@starringmichell

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

@SteveKoehler22

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

@SCbchbum

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

@psybermonkey

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

@FunnyTunes

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

@NikiWithIssues

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

@beefman138

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

@brennadine

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

@lincnotfound

god: *texts dinosaur jesus*

dinosaur jesus: *ghosts him*

god: thats it *hurls phone at earth*

[later]

dinosaur jesus: wtf is that thing