CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

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What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.


When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.


Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.


Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods


Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?


I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.


When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.


“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead


god: *texts dinosaur jesus*

dinosaur jesus: *ghosts him*

god: thats it *hurls phone at earth*


dinosaur jesus: wtf is that thing