CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
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drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops