CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
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I finally found a reason to live again.
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
TODAY
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
peep davidson
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
time machine? you mean a clock?
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?