Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.

ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.

DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?

ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

Ugh

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

The most accurate map ever devised.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.