Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.