Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
You Might Also Like
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Roombas should bark
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
Love this guy
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.