Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

My favorite farside!!

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

Pronouncing “driest” like priest