Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
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[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Cake safety first. Always.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle