Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”