Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

Dating Tips
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Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

Memoirs of a Fish Stick