Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

Hmm 🧐

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin