CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
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To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK