CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
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Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Saw your ex at the shops
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.