Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”