Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.