CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
You Might Also Like
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
The Friday File.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Bed should get ready for ME
Life is a suicide mission.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
It kinda feels like this rn
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
what is cheese if not milk persevering
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.