CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
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Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Cold.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?