Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.