CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
You Might Also Like
🤫
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.