Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

Dietest Coke

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”