CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
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I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
When you can’t find your friend Neil