CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at NestlĂ©.
Interviewer: Get out.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho đź’€” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.