CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
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I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.