CW: Whatās your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns š¤
You Might Also Like
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
this came to me in a vision
Yeah yeah āFriends with Benefitsā are cool but have you tried āFriends with Batteriesā? Less drama!
Me: Just so you know, Iām DTF right now.
Wife: I donāt know what āDTFā means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I donāt eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Fatherās Day, internet.
Spider chilling while Iām on the loo: ā¦ā¦
Me:ā¦.*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: youāre actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HEāS GONNA KILLLLL MEEEEā¦ā¦!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Iām thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while Iām eating cereal.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. Itās about 25 different Batmanās.
An accountant who disappears with all his clientās money is a math magician.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isnāt so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, werenāt you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but āchoose your own adventureā books*
m: aw hell
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude andā¦
Attorney: my client means, ānot guiltyā
āsingle and ready to mingleā
thank you so much for the warning
āSorry I didnāt have a chance to clean up the place,ā I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like youāre doing a line off the counter
So you think makeup is ālyingā
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, thatās on you
HER: Iām a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Mother Earth: Iām not a regular mom. Iām a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. Iām a Cool Mom
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
serious question: when someoneās telling you a horrible story and theyāre crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
(McDonaldās bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
Youāre better than my mirror at home
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of waterā¦{i look up, shaking my head}ā¦because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I donāt believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Iām not average. Iām mean.