CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
You Might Also Like
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties