CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
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ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system