CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
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So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I found your tweet-up…
