CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
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ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
choose your fighter
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying